Anxiety is a constant companion. Closer to me than my best friend, my husband. More demanding of me than my daughter. I’m thinking of giving it a name. Perhaps Chelsea?
Every morning I wake up before my alarm to stress about my to-do list. By the time my toddler goes down for her nap, I am so exhausted from keeping up with her and Chelsea. I actually cringe when I hear my daughter wake from her nap because I have yet to calm down after my latest anxiety attack. This is my life till I go to bed, only to stay up later than I should because I cannot get my brain to turn off.
Lately, I struggle with coping. Or, at least, because I am not having a panic attack on the daily, I consider that my level of coping. Just ride that constant anxiety like a high you wish you could get off. It’s genuinely awful.
Part of me knows that this is due to the pandemic. The quarantine, the constant worry about who we can and cannot hang out with because of my toddler, and the rules changing daily are not something I was prepared for. Part of me wonders how much of this is me struggling to be a mother though. And I wonder how much of this is due to my job. Running a non-profit arts organization when the arts are shut down due to a global pandemic was never what I signed up for.
They say you have to take care of yourself first to take care of your child. That feels so incredibly selfish when you have a child but I understand it better now. My partner has to step in when I have an anxiety attack. He has to take our daughter and care for her because ‘mummy needs a moment’.
Unfortunately, I do not have the tools to take care of myself. I can’t just crawl under a blanket and hide until everything is better. The problems that plague me will still be there when I come back into the light. This means something in my life likely needs to change. I cannot control the pandemic and I cannot get rid of my daughter (not that I want to), so all that leaves is my job.
Do I need to quit to get my sanity back? Perhaps better boundaries are what I need? I work from home but don’t have specific work hours. I could do better at taking days off. Is that enough? I guess I could try and see what happens. I am tired of Chelsea running my life.
If you have additional suggestions I’d love to hear them. Wish me luck!
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